The Effect of Divorce on Children

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Most divorcing parents are very concerned about their children’s
reactions to their separation and divorce. They want to know, “Will
my child grow up to be healthy and happy?”
Sociologists and psychologists are just beginning to provide reliable
information about the effects of divorce on children. There are a
number of important factors. Research shows that the effects depend
on the age of the child at the time of divorce. It can also depend on
the child’s gender and personality, the amount of conflict between
parents and the support provided by friends and family.
Age of children
We know little about the effects of divorce on children younger than two or three years of age. Young
children do not always suffer if a divorce occurs. However, problems may occur if a close relationship or
bond between a parent and child is broken. Parents should agree on parenting and childcare
arrangements so the child does not grow up experiencing conflict between his or her parents.
Infants
Infants may not understand conflict, but may react to changes in parent’s energy level and mood. Infants may
loose their appetite or have an upset stomach and spit up more.
Preschool children
Children from three to five years of age frequently believe they have caused their parents’ divorce. For example,
they might think that if they had eaten their dinner or done their chores when told to do so, Daddy wouldn’t
have gone away. Preschoolers may fear being left alone or abandoned altogether. They may show baby-like
behavior, such as wanting their security blanket or old toys, or they begin wetting the bed. They may deny that
anything has changed, or they may become uncooperative, depressed, or angry. Although they want the security
of being near an adult, they may act disobedient and aggressive.
School-aged children
Some psychologists believe the adjustment to parental divorce is more difficult for elementary school children
than for younger or older children. School-age children are old enough to understand that they are in pain
because of their parents’ separation. They are too young, however, to understand or to control their reactions to
this pain.
They may experience grief, embarrassment, resentment, divided loyalty and intense anger. Their ability to
become actively involved in play and activities with other children may help them cope with their family life
situation.
The Effects of Divorce on Children
Children this age may hope parents will get back together. Elementary
aged children may feel rejected by the parent who left. They may complain
of headaches or stomachaches.
Adolescents
Teens also experience anger, fear, loneliness, depression and guilt.
Some feel pushed into adulthood if they must take responsibility for
many new chores or care of siblings. Teens may respond to parents’
low energy level and high stress level by trying to take control over
the family. Others feel a loss of parental support in handling emerging
sexual feelings. Teens also may doubt their own ability to get married or to stay married.
Teens may understand the causes leading to their parents’ separation. Their ability to remember the
conflict and stress of the divorce may interfere with their ability to cope with the changes in their family.
They may also feel pressure to “choose” one of their parents over the other, or to fault one parent over
the other for the “cause” of the divorce.
Gender effects
Researchers are now finding that boys raised by fathers and girls raised by mothers may do better than children
raised by the parent of the opposite sex. School age boys living with their fathers or in joint living arrangements
seem to be less aggressive. They also have fewer emotional problems than those boys who live with their
mothers and have little or no contact with their fathers. Girls raised with mothers tend to be more responsible
and mature than girls raised by their fathers.
However, the children’s adjustment following a divorce has more to do with the quality of the parent-child
relationship than with the gender and age of the child.
Helping children adjust to divorce
Although painful, discussing the separation and divorce with your children will strengthen your
relationship with them. It will also maintain their trust in you. Sharing general information is appropriate
when talking with younger children. Adolescents will want more details. Be sure to let them know what
the future holds for them. They will want to know what their relationship will be with both parents.
The most important factor for children’s well being seems to be limiting the amount and intensity of
conflict between parents. Minimizing the conflict and hostility between parents following the divorce
can contribute to the child’s growth. Agreement between the parents on discipline and child rearing, as
well as love and approval from both parents, contributes to the child’s sense of well being and selfworth.
Although joint living arrangements have many benefits, recent research suggests there may be times
when there are drawbacks to this arrangement. Preschool children may think they are being punished
when they are moved from one household to another. They feel that they are sent away because they are
naughty.
Older children may dislike this type of arrangement if it intrudes on their daily lives. Some parents in
joint arrangements fight with each other because they are in constant contact. Their children suffer as a
result. Successful joint parenting requires regular communication and cooperation that may be difficult
for parents who don’t get along. If there is a very high level of conflict or violence between the parents, then a
joint living arrangement may not be in the best interest of children.
Day-to-day involvement of both parents in their children’s lives is the clearest way of letting children
know they are loved and valued. A parent who lives in a different town or state can still keep in close
touch with his or her children. Letters, e-mails, phone calls, tape-recorded messages and sharing
paperwork and artwork done in school are ways parents and children can keep in contact.
Children of all ages fantasize that their parents will get together again.
This may be particularly true when parents are successfully co-parenting.
Be clear with the children about the finality of the divorce, and discourage
their attempts to get you back together.
If possible, limit the number of disruptions children must handle during
separation and divorce. For example, try to keep the child in the same
school, childcare facility, home or neighborhood.
Talk to children about your concerns related to the divorce. This will help them understand what is
happening.
Develop positive ways to handle your stress. For example, exercise, eat nutritious food, spend time with
friends or take up a hobby. If you feel you are under too much stress and may hurt your children, ask for
help immediately. Call a crisis hotline, or your former spouse, a friend or relative and ask for help.
Turn to relatives and friends for support. Don’t rely on your children to meet your needs for
companionship and affection. Take care of yourself so you can take care of your children.
Be sure to let your children see the positive ways you use to cope with stress. This helps them
understand that they must also find positive methods to handle their feelings. Suggest activities they
might do to feel better. Playing with friends, joining a club, taking up a hobby, or reading can be helpful
in reducing stress. Perhaps there are some activities, such as going for walks, that you and your child can
do together.
Practice a kind, but firm, style of discipline. Accept children’s feelings of anger. Help them find
acceptable ways of expressing this anger without hurting themselves, other people, animals, or property.
Provide the nurturing and love that your children need, while setting firm limits on aggressiveness and
other inappropriate behavior.
Adult friends and family members can provide emotional warmth, reassurance and comfort to your
children. They can teach them new skills and activities and act as role models. They can also let children
know that they are important and valued.
Counseling with social workers, psychologists, marriage and family therapists, or psychiatrists can help
some children. Many schools and religious organizations also provide support group sessions. In these
situations children can explore their feelings and learn how other children from divorced families cope.
It often takes two or more years for children to adjust to their parents’ divorce. Through love,
understanding and keeping in close contact with your children, you will help them grow into welladjusted
and productive adults.
Sources:
DeBord, K. (1997). Focus on kids: The effects of divorce on children. North Carolina Cooperative Extension Service.
Hughes, R., & Scherer, J. Parenting on you own. University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign Cooperative Extension.
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Original fact sheet developed by Mary W. Temke, Extension Human Development Specialist,
with help from UNH graduate student Rebecca Carman
Updated 5/06 by Emily Douglas, Extension Family Education & Policy Specialist
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Remember the Kids

PM-1638 / January 1996
divorce matters
Among the first questions parents must
answer in a separation or divorce are how,
when, and what to tell their children.
Because telling children may be painful,
parents could be tempted to delay this
task. It is usually better for children,
however, to know about the decision
immediately, and before a parent moves.
The way this information is presented can
set the tone for a child’s response. If
possible, both parents should tell each of
their children about the divorce at the
same time.
Although individual response may vary,
parents need to know that children will
be anxious and worried about what this
situation means. They need to think
about several questions.
What do children
need to know?
• They did not cause the divorce.
• Neither parent is rejecting them.
• They still have a family even though
their parents will no longer be married.
• Their parents will love them forever,
even though their feelings for each
other have changed.
• Their parents will continue to take care
of them.
Talking with children
Tips for Helping Children Through Divorce
• Be as honest with them as possible.
• Acknowledge their feelings.
• Discuss upcoming changes with them.
• Give them reassurance and a sense of security.
• Be fair when discussing their other parent.
• Provide them as much stability as possible.
• Support and encourage their individual
interests.
• Trust their ability to adapt.
• Tell them both of their parents love them.
• There is a reason for the divorce.
Parents should agree on an explanation
in advance, remembering that too many
details may confuse children.
• Some things will stay the same and
others will change. Common questions
children might ask are who will they
live with, when will they see the other
parent and family members such as
grandparents, and where will they go to
school.
• Children need to know their parents
will consider their feelings when
making important decisions.
• Because divorce is upsetting to everyone,
they need to assure their children
that things will work out and life will
improve.
How can parents help
children during a
divorce?
Following is a list of ways you can help
your children survive your divorce.
Check off the ones you have done and
circle the ones you plan to do.
Reassurance
q Assure your children that the divorce
was not their fault.
q Assure your children that both
parents love them.
q Tell your children that it’s OK to feel
sad because they miss their other
parent.
Stability
q Maintain the individual relationships
you have with each of your children.
Encourage the other parent to do the
same.
q Stick to a daily routine with your
children.
q Make changes in your children’s lives
slowly, letting them discuss these
changes with you. Reward your
children for their efforts in making
these changes.
Encouragement
q Encourage your children to play with
friends and participate in other ageappropriate
activities.
What don’t children need
to know?
• Unless the other parent is a genuine
threat, children shouldn’t know anything
that might negatively affect that
relationship. Parents need to be truthful
with their children, but should avoid
discussing issues such as money or
extramarital affairs with them.
What do children worry
about?
• Children worry about the parent who is
leaving: Where will Dad live? How will
Mom manage? Will Dad be safe? Will
Mom be comfortable and happy?
• Children worry that they will be forced
to take sides by their parents, grandparents,
or other family members.
• Children worry that they will have to
choose one parent over the other.
• Children worry about how family
occasions such as birthdays and holidays
will be celebrated.
• Children worry about disrupted routines.
Who will take care of them when
they’re sick? Who will take them to
soccer practice or piano lessons? Who
will sign their report cards?
Parents should ask their children what
they are worried about, recognizing that
children might not be able to identify
their concerns initially.
What can parents do to
reassure children?
• Once parents have identified their
children’s concerns, they should try to
respond honestly to them. Important
decisions such as living arrangements
should be shared as soon as they are
made.
q Encourage your children to continue
to pursue their interests.
Fairness
q Do not ask your children, either
directly or indirectly, which parent
they love more.
q Be fair in sharing your children’s time
with their other parent.
Honesty
q Acknowledge that your children may
want you and your former spouse to
reunite. Do not encourage or support
this wish.
q Talk with your children honestly
about any changes that will affect
them before they occur.
Support
q Support your children’s need to visit
their other parent.
q Support your children’s desire to love
both of you. Tell them it’s OK.
Security
q Don’t use your children as a counselor
or source of emotional support.
Seeing parents needy and dependent
may make children feel insecure. Find
an adult who can fulfill these needs
for you.
q Remind your children that you and
your former spouse will still take care
of them.
Trust
q Show your children that you trust
their ability adapt to these changes.
What shouldn’t parents
say?
Following is a list of destructive remarks
that you should not make to your children.
If you find yourself saying words
like these, stop and think about how they
might affect your children. All of these
remarks raise fear and anxiety.
• “If you don’t behave, I’ll send you to
live with your father.”
• “You’re lazy/stubborn/bad tempered,
just like your mother.”
• “I could get along better here by
myself.”
• “If you weren’t here, I could…”
• “Sometimes I wish I’d been the one to
skip out.”
• “Your father put you up to saying that.”
• “Your mom doesn’t love any of us or
she wouldn’t have left us.”
• “You can’t trust him.”
• “She was just no good.”
• “If he loved you, he would send your
support checks on time.”
• “If your mother is five minutes late
again, you’re just not going with her.”
• “If you don’t like what I buy you, ask
your father to do better.”
• “Who would you really rather be with,
Mommy or Daddy?”
• “What is your mother saying about
me?”
• “Now that you’re the little man/little
woman of the house…”
• “Someday you’ll leave me too, just like
your father. Promise me that you’ll
never leave.”
• “You’re all I have. You’re the only
person I can rely on.”
• “Over my dead body!”
. . . and justice for all
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Issued in furtherance of Cooperative Extension
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References
Wallerstein, Judith S. and Joan Berlin
Kelly. 1980. Surviving the Breakup: How
Children and Parents Cope With Divorce.
Basic Books.
Wallerstein, Judith S. and Sandra
Blakeslee. 1990. Second Chances: Men,
Women and Children A Decade After
Divorce – Who Wins, Who Loses – and
Why. Ticknor & Fields, N.Y.
Be sure to read more publications in
the “Divorce Matters” series:
• Talking with children (PM-1638)
• Visitation dos and don’ts (PM-1641)
• Coping with stress and change (PM-
1637)
• A child’s view (PM-1639)
• Talking with your child’s other
parent (PM-1640)
Contact the Iowa State University
Extension office in your county for
more information about children and
families.
Family Life 3
Originally developed as Parenting Apart:
Strategies for Effective Co-Parenting by M.
Mulroy, R. Sabatelli, C. Malley, and R.
Waldron (1995), University of Connecticut
Cooperative Extension. Adapted with
permission for use in Iowa by Lesia
Oesterreich, ISU Extension family life
specialist.
Editor: Jolene McCoy